What I am is a person at the age of 20 still trying to figure himself out. Some of you don't realize how sensitive I really am. Some of you just take it for granted, and just try to get a rise out of me. I actually thought at first blogging would be a waste of time. A time where you just had an excuse just to bitch about other people just because I read maybe one of two blogs of people I didn't even like. Which one of them I thought was my best friend. But I finally just thought to myself "I think blogging is about more then bitching about people on internet. It's letting yourself out there. Letting people know how you actually feel, and I finally get that now. I should done this years ago. I might have actually gotten somewhere but I don't really know. Maybe I just wasn't ready.
I want to tell you all about my problems actually. They say sometimes writing stuff down is the best way to do that. Plus you won't have other people actually interrupting you as well. I've always felt like I was in pain. I could never let the past go. I feel like the past will haunt me. I just felt I was hanging with the wrong crowd, and I felt like some of them just broke my self esteem, and I just thought I was a loser, and a screw up, and that is when I finally opened my eyes, and just felt like I was rescued. But even though might have been saved I still feel sometimes i'm lost in a world I can't get out of. I feel without help I'm lost completely. I feel I need to be medicated by anti depressants just to make myself happy. Some will think "You gotta just pick yourself up, and not worry about the little things, and the past, and start thinking about the future." They are right that I should think about the future but what they don't know is that they don't fully know me. It's like your trying to explain what kind of person you feel like at most times but all you really want is someone to just hold you, and just hug you, and say everything will be alright especially when your in tears. That's what I really want when I'm in tears. I don't want to be lectured by people when I'm in tears. I just want people to shut up, and just hug me. Is that really to much ask. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want them to just open their eyes, and just sit down with me, and not talk really. You people need to know when someone is in tears you can't always say a bunch of stuff, and know that it will work. When someone is on the ground, and is crying their eyes out they want their friends but I know you are trying to help them. It's all about sensitivity really. But I think you get my point finally just by reading this whole paragraph.
I know that I love my friends, and family to death. I would never trade them up for anything. I feel so special for the one's that love me, and that I love back. I've just had it a bit rough in life. Not on the outside. Only on the inside. Like my head really because I suffer through actually depression. I didn't feel like the friends I use to hang with helped at all. They just pushed me over the edge. Even if they find this I really don't care what they think really. I've actually always had thoughts of killing the one that I was friends with since 9th grade. He actually makes me so blood drunk. The fact that why I am mad at him is because he decided to actually take sides instead of staying out of a fight that was between two of his friends. Real friends don't take sides with other friends it just makes the problem much worse, and it makes you look like a complete asshole. If he actually knew how I felt about this he probably wouldn't even care. He would just use terms like faggot, K, Champ, or even K Champ in one word. The words of a complete child. A man child as I would put it. Someone who still lives like he is in high school. A cold blooded person who actually deserves to be hurt, who deserves to suffer, and who deserves to actually die. Maybe someone should run you over or shoot your fucking head off or even stab you in the fucking head repeatedly. I sure would love to but i'm no killer. I've always felt I could do it to him but I know in my heart i'm a loving, and caring person. I can relate to his ex girlfriend because we were hurt by the same person. That's why we are best friends. She knows my problems, and she knew what I was going through. I was being attacked on the internet, and it felt like she took my hand, and said "It's ok i'm here now, and he's gone away. You don't need him anymore. He's nothing but trash. I feel your pain." I'm proud to call her my bestie. I'm proud to say she's the one person I can relate to. If I ever need a shoulder to cry on. I know she's there for me, and I want to say thank you Ashley Alison Boone thank you for being there for me. You are truly my best friend.
Now I have said so much out of just this first blog I am about to post here, and I know there will be so much more. But you will all have to wait, and see what I have in store for all of you to read because I think you will find them to be very interesting indeed. To those who enjoyed reading this I'm glad you loved it, and to those who hate it. Get the fuck off my blog site you pricks. So long.....See ya.....and have youselfs a good night to all.
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