What Can You Do About Relationships

Dear Readers,

I have been thinking hard so much about what does it really mean to be in a relationship. I just am confused on what I see when I have two roommates who are madly in love with each other, and you just look at them, and think that they are together but really they are not. I just wish it wouldn't be so confusing. I love them both with all my heart. They are truly the bestest friends I have ever had that's for sure. I just wish I could just figure it all out for them to tell you the truth but I can't figure stuff out what they need to figure out for themselves. I just have so many thoughts just killing me in my head just cramming up inside me, and just wanting to just explode.

But you know it`s never all about me. Just look at this message. You realize that I care about them very much, and I do anything for them. It`s already hard enough for me anyway with waiting for my EI to come in with money so I can pay off bills now that my best friend gave me shelter. I thank her for so much. I just feel like right now i`m bumming off her, and she is just waiting so patiently for me, and my money to come. I really have great roommates. I would actually love it if my best bud would stay on a more permute bases you know. We are the a great duo, and shit you know.

You know I thank my roommate, and best friend that she has done for me. I would love to pay her back in such a big way just for everything she has done for me. She has really made me so comfortable while I have been staying here. She cares how I feel, cares about my health, and she even gives me food. She didn`t want any of us to be on the street. You know that`s a great friend when right?

Anyway I'm glad that you were all able to read this on your spare time or even if you had nothing better to do anyway. But I'm just hoping for the best out of the best friends I've ever had, and to make sure that they will get nothing but kindness, respect, and love from me. I will also love to say that my friends child is the most wonderful, and adorable baby I have ever seen. He makes me pull through, and he really does keep me going as much as she does. I love him, and her both.

So again I will see you all later......Take Care
:)

Weird Feeling Inside

Been a while for my last post so i'm just going to cut right straight to the point on why I am here pretty much. I have been Best Friends with Tammy Dawn Meade for a few months now, and you know it has been the greatest friendship I have ever had. It truly amazes me still that we became friends in a blink of an eye. But now i'm starting to feel something. Something that feels very strong, and that could just rise to the surface. It's more of a weird feeling when i'm around her. I probably should have seen this coming. Maybe I was just denying it the entire time, and ignoring all the signs that I was giving off myself. I couldn't help myself though she has treated me more of a person then anyone I know off. I've been hurt before but it's like I feel a real connection with her. It's like she's more then just some girl. She's someone who I would give my whole heart to. I trust her with my life, and Joesph is such a wonderful little boy. He always makes me smile when I see him.

Tammy has been through so much in her life compared to me. Like in ways we have our opposites like she's an outdoor person, and a country girl, and well i'm an indoor person, and more of a city boy. Just by how my lifestyle is, and such. Yet we have this way to connect heart to heart. I'm struggling with myself thinking do I really want to be "involved" with her. If that were to happen who knows what things would change. I've seen things like these happen before. Two best friends get close, start a relationship, have sex, and so on, and then it goes down hill from there. Well maybe I am just thinking to much but that's me. I think way to much. Tammy is right that my biggest problem is is that I worry to much about the little things, and the future. I need to worry about right now I suppose. Lucky I did talk to her about all this cause it was a big help for me that's for sure.

Time will tell when things start to happen. Hell maybe it's just something i'm going through. It might just pass through. It's not like i'm the only one who gets feelings for their friends. Like for one the main reason I know why I have feelings is because she actually cares. She treats me the same way I treat her. It does make total sense like most of my life I was treated like a lap dog, and now I feel like someone who actually understands me, who actually listens to what I say, and can say that they get what i'm going through, and can help me. She's a caring understanding person, and I love her dearly. She means the world to me. If anything would happen to her I would just collapse, and say just take my life please, and end it. I wouldn't even have a reason to live anymore. She has my heart. She always has.

I even told her that my dying wish was for her to have my child if anything were to happen to me. That's pretty big of me wouldn't you say. I only said it because I trust her, and I told her the same thing. I trust her as a mother completely. I love her as my friend for sure but i'm wondering can I love her as more then that. She is beautiful that's for sure. Everything I see inside, and out is true beauty. Am I going to be a fool in love with a 21 year girl that has a 1 year old child. I just as well could be. If you can feel what i'm feeling it would just be a struggle. Tammy sure amazes me in every way. We never fight. We always talk about things whenever there is a problem. Never yell, and scream. We have actually heart to heart conversations. Could I have found the woman of my dreams? Could she be the one for me? It could have been right under my nose but I just didn't want to believe it? Wow life is full of surprises that's for sure.

The only thing I really know what's next is Tammy's birthday, and I cannot wait for that to happen. I want her birthday to be special because she has been going through such a hard time, and I want to make her feel special. She should feel special on her birthday. A lot of people don't see what I see in her. I'm sure Greg does of course but i'm sure you would know what I'm talking about. Anyway that is it for now so I bid you all a farwell.

So Much To Be Answered

Here I am once again. It is about 3:40 at night. Well I should say early morning now haha. Well anyway you now know quite a bit for just the start of my blogs but now here I am writing more. Soon at about 6:45 pm on this very Thursday I will be getting my very first piercing done. Actually I will be getting two done as a matter of fact. I will be getting my tongue done, and my right eyebrow done. Pretty sick don't you think so cause I would say so myself haha. You may think I am doing it because everyone else is or even my own friends are doing it. The truth is really I just wanted it for myself. True that my friends have piercings, and I did ask them about it because I wanted information on what it's like but it's not like it's a secret cult so many people have done it for centuries, and I wanted to know the experience. I'm actually quite excited to get them. I feel like it will bring my inner self out. It's a way of expressing yourself, and as do Tattoo's as well which I also want to get. I got some great ideas for those actually.

What I really want to know is why my own father is so afraid of me getting these? All he says is that people will never hire me because of my image, and other people will just judge me for it. It's like all he cares is about what other people think of me. Why should he care about other people. I'm his flesh, and blood. I came from him. If I had my own son or daughter I would defend them even if it's my own family insulting them. I've always felt like he never really appreciated me in some ways. I feel like he wanted me to be a different person like he wanted me to be exactly like him. I'm sure you have all felt the same way about your own parents as well. Not all parents are perfect but when you are a child you do learn from their mistakes, and you take what you learn from them, and involve it to something much greater. If my son wants Piercings, and Tattoos go for it. I will be there with him or her when they get their first one.

I want to love my child so much. I want them to be able to talk to me, and at least say some great things about me. I want them to be able to rely on me, and be able to actually speak to me if they are lonely, sad, depressed or anything really. I want them to have a life, and have strong emotions like me so that they are free , and know that they always have me by their side. I want to be the best father in the world. I want them to be able to hear it from their own mouths when they say it. I will even shed a tear hopefully if I feel it but I know deep down I will be crying with joy. I just hope that they have a wonderful mother who loves me for who I am as well, and the children. It's so weird that i'm thinking about this so far ahead when I haven't even made love to a woman or even had a girlfriend of that matter, and i'm only 20 years old to top it off. I just want my family I guess. I just want to start it. Maybe the party man is gonna end soon. Who knows really life is a mystery.

Finally I feel like maybe I going somewhere with stuff. I feel like I can take on the world. Once this is done tomorrow I will feel like a new person. They say that Piercings can open you up to a whole new world of things deep inside. Same with Tattoos. What I want for a Tattoo right now is a Slayer Tattoo on my upper back. It's right awesome if you saw the design of it. I want also a DragonBall Z Tattoo. I was thinking of either the Z logo on my right shoulder or Super Saiyan 3 Goku on my shoulder. I think I might go with SSJ3 Goku it seemed so much cooler. That's just my inner nerd calling out to me. God I love being a nerd lol. Anyway as I will continue it's hard to say where all things are going. I know that at the end of the summer I will be in Fredricton with Tammy who you all have heard so much about. It's gonna be awesome being roommates with her. She always brightens my day. I think finally some things will be answered though about my Dad. I just hope they all go well but I can't expect much until it actually happens. I'm praying though but until then I bid you a fair well, and goodnight to all :)

Tammy Dawn Meade A True Friend To Me

You have been just keeping me so positive in my life. You I consider one of the best people I have ever met in my entire life as I believe you think the same of me. You are filled with so much passion, and love that I cannot describe to begin how amazing you are. With you I can talk about anything or any problem I have. When I am close to you I feel strength, and the power to live. You have made me into a so much better person, and the way you are around other people truly amazes me most times. So kind, gentle, and full of so much life. I have felt we truly made a strong connection with one an other. Tammy Dawn Meade you are the most amazing friend I have ever had. No one can replace you, and you will never be replace. You make my life so happy without you I am nothing. Our friendship is truly strong, and will always be strong no matter the out come.

Always you have been through my troubles even when i'm down, stress, freaking out, crying you hugged me, and kept me safe from whatever I had going on in my troubled mind. Your the reason why I am strong, and confident, and you a gift from above, and as maybe believe the same. You are my inspiration, and my Idol. Whenever I see you, and your child it always brings joy into my life. Not only did you open a door of friendship into my life but you opened up a door to which we created a family. A family of where I felt I would never be hurt or suffer. A family that would be there for me whenever I would be needed. Tammy you are so amazing to me. You are truly a great friend, and a golden star to me. Whenever you are happy go lucky or having the time of your life I always have fun to. You always brighten my day with your presence.

Your son Joesph, and you mean so much to me, and you are such a great mother, and your son will be a great person when he gets older because he will learn so much from you. Tammy just remember this, and remember everything we talk about, and that your life means so much to me. Everything we have been through these few months were not for nothing. They were for something so much greater. They were meant for a future of happiness, and a true friendship that will live for decades to come.

It was so amazing on how fast we became friends, and just how amazing you just opened up to me. I didn't think of you on how you would open up to me. Then when you said you were my best friend I felt truly honor, and that I to felt the same way. It's like fate made us to become friends. Fate brought us to be the bestest friends in the world. We made that happen though. We worked hard on our friendship, and made us to what we are today, and I truly believe you are the best person in the world. I don't care what any other person says  about you. If they say your a horrible person I believe they are wrong. Cause I've gotten to know you, and you are the best person I have ever met in my life. They just are Jealous of you, and what great friends you have. I'm greatful to have you, and this is how much you mean to me Tammy. I luv you always, and nothing will ever change that :)

The Important Friends In My Life

Hi again,

I want to now talk about the people that inspire my life, and make me the person that I am today. The people that care so much about me, and how I care so much about them. They make me laugh, smile, and so much more. I do have so many friends but I just wanna narrow it down to my best friends. The one's that really touch my life. If I went on to talk about friends it would just be to damn long for me to write lol. So here is what I will do for you people that read this. I will update this post each time I have a new BFF aka Best Friend. You wanna know why? Because I'm sure that my list of best friends will continue to grow over the years to come. So now let's talk about my Best Friends shall we:)

Ashley Alison Boone - Now if you have read my last post you would have known I have mentioned Ashley before. But why not mention her again right. Oh Ashley how you have done so much for me in the past. I've known you since I was in Elementary School, and yes we did become distant but after so many years we just reunited as Bestie's, and just helped me through my problems. What makes you my Bestie is that we have a strong connection you, and I. We were hurt by the same person which I find our friendship is so strong, and will always be strong no matter what the outcomes are. You sat with me when I was in tears, and I know you have always been so fun to hang out with:) You are great Ash, and I would never want you to change ever. People can bitch about you all they want but I know to me you are the greatest, and sweetest people I have ever known and met:)

Candice Dawn Boone - Ah yes Candice. Another one of my oldest friends, and has so much attitude:) This is one of those girls that if you get her angry oh you better watch out because she will scratch your eyes right out ;) But I have known you Candice since I was little, and I of course will never forget the time we found those birds, and took care of them. It seems like it was only yesterday that we were little. It's so nice that two of my best friends are also sisters too:) People might say shit about both you, and Ash saying your bad news, and I believe you would know who I mean ;) But I know you, and I would never change anything about you. You are full of life, and strong, and you have always cared for me as I have of you. Your a great person Candice, and I will always luv ya dear:)

Tammy Dawn Meade - Oh my god oh how we just became great friends so fast in only a month. Tammy when I first met you I just knew you were fun, and crazy but I didn't realize that I would just become Best Friends with you in such a short time. We talk about everything, and I feel just as comfortable around you as you do me. Like I feel like I can just talk about everything. I believe we pretty have anyways. You just came into my life by surprise, and you completely just changed it, and made it full of life, surprises, and so much fun. Your one of the greatest gals I've ever met. You just know how to stay strong, and I just love your son Joesph, and your Mom Jo too:) You have one crazy family but I just luv you all to death. You are just so amazing, so sweet. I hope we have crazy fun in the future to come:)

Andrew Monteith - You sir are just full of life. You let nothing bring you down. Even if I have had the worse day possibly you just know how to bring me back up. If I want someone positive to be around I just know the person to call, and that my friend is you. You are such a party animal, and you know not to ever worry about anything in life. All you have to say is Don't Worry About It, and that just makes my day. I love you witty self, and crazy goofiness. I just love it when say all your amazing lines, and all the crazy outfits you wear is just so funny, witty, and just make my night. I always enjoy your company. We've been friends since middle school, and we have out lasted a lot of friendships, and I hope it continues to last. I believe in it, and I know you are full of adventure. I can't wait for the next time you show your face man.

Brandon Cronkhite - You are a good man. You know always how to party, and I love hanging with you my man. We've been friends for the longest time, and I love having you as a drinking buddy. Everyone just loves your wild self, and your always a delight to be around. Don't ever change my brother. Keep it real man.

Alex Neilson - Me, and you are like cousins or even brothers pretty much. Best Bros for that much. That's why I consider you a close friend of mine, and I know you think of me the same way. Your just funny kid to be around, and you always have something funny to say, and man me, and you are Bros for life.

John Douglass - John me, and you just go back to 8th grade. But we never really gotten close until high school, and even though man you are really far away I still think we are close. You always talk to me about your problems, and I always want to help you out. I love visiting you in St. Andrews cause we always have a good time. We might even just chill at your place but it's so much fun still. We always had fun in high school, and I know even though you have your issues I know you will get by cause I know you, and I know I'm always here for you bud. No matter how the outcome is we will always remand best friends. You mean a lot to me, and I never let anything bad happen to ya as you would of me. Stay strong John. I know you will.

Jordan Harding - Ah yes Jordan Fucking Harding. My bud since mother fucking 4th grade. You always came to see me no matter what. You are sure a true friend Jordan. I know my folks may not be fond of you but you  are still a very close friend, and man we have had some nice times getting are green on haha. You are such a party animal I love having fun with you, and whoever we are with. It's always a fun wild ride. We have had some crazy adventures, and I know we will continue to do so. Your one slick white guy, and my bro to.

Devin Smith - DEVIN!!!! Holy shit I miss you buddy. I hate that your in PEI but I've known you since I was like heading into 6th grade. You are one of the most funniest people I know, and man you just are so nerdy, and fun. I know I will see ya sometime soon, and we will just kick the doors down, and just party er up, and have a wild time.

Nathan Davenport - Nathan you are one of the most random people I know. Your stories are just funny, and crazy but I just love having a good time with you. You always have something funny to say, and I would never want you to change man. Like being yourself is awesome enough as it is, and I just love it dude. I laugh so hard when your around, and I love rocking with you. So Rock hard, and live life the way you want it to buddy. Let's go crazy soon.

So now you know all of my Best Friends. Here they all are the people that make me the person I am today. I love you all, and I don't want you all to change. I love you all the way you are. You are the greatest people I have ever met, and I know Every time I am with each, and every one with you I always will have something, and exciting happen to me. I just miss you all already just talking about you.

Those are my friends, and now you know the important people in my life:)

<33

The Real Me

Your gonna probably wonder to yourself what i'm going to write on here or why i'm actually starting to write blog? The truth is.....I need to let stuff out. I've kept myself in hiding for so long, and I need someway to let people understand about who I really am. My head is always full of weird things. Sometimes I wonder if I can just handle myself. I try to let people understand me but the truth is I don't even understand myself sometimes. I'm just typing in stuff that is coming to my head, and I've finally realized that this is the best way to let it all out. If you want to read this it don't matter to me. If you don't want to then why are you even here. This is just for people actually know the real me. Not for the people I hate or even hate me. I know there are people out there who actually hate me. They can't hide but you know what I think I better get on with this because I think I have rambled on long enough so here we go.

What I am is a person at the age of 20 still trying to figure himself out. Some of you don't realize how sensitive I really am. Some of you just take it for granted, and just try to get a rise out of me. I actually thought at first blogging would be a waste of time. A time where you just had an excuse just to bitch about other people just because I read maybe one of two blogs of people I didn't even like. Which one of them I thought was my best friend. But I finally just thought to myself "I think blogging is about more then bitching about people on internet. It's letting yourself out there. Letting people know how you actually feel, and I finally get that now. I should done this years ago. I might have actually gotten somewhere but I don't really know. Maybe I just wasn't ready. 

I want to tell you all about my problems actually. They say sometimes writing stuff down is the best way to do that. Plus you won't have other people actually interrupting you as well. I've always felt like I was in pain. I could never let the past go. I feel like the past will haunt me. I just felt I was hanging with the wrong crowd, and I felt like some of them just broke my self esteem, and I just thought I was a loser, and a screw up, and that is when I finally opened my eyes, and just felt like I was rescued. But even though might have been saved I still feel sometimes i'm lost in a world I can't get out of. I feel without help I'm lost completely. I feel I need to be medicated by anti depressants just to make myself happy. Some will think "You gotta just pick yourself up, and not worry about the little things, and the past, and start thinking about the future." They are right that I should think about the future but what they don't know is that they don't fully know me. It's like your trying to explain what kind of person you feel like at most times but all you really want is someone to just hold you, and just hug you, and say everything will be alright especially when your in tears. That's what I really want when I'm in tears. I don't want to be lectured by people when I'm in tears. I just want people to shut up, and just hug me. Is that really to much ask. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want them to just open their eyes, and just sit down with me, and not talk really. You people need to know when someone is in tears you can't always say a bunch of stuff, and know that it will work. When someone is on the ground, and is crying their eyes out they want their friends but I know you are trying to help them. It's all about sensitivity really. But I think you get my point finally just by reading this whole paragraph.

I know that I love my friends, and family to death. I would never trade them up for anything. I feel so special for the one's that love me, and that I love back. I've just had it a bit rough in life. Not on the outside. Only on the inside. Like my head really because I suffer through actually depression. I didn't feel like the friends I use to hang with helped at all. They just pushed me over the edge. Even if they find this I really don't care what they think really. I've actually always had thoughts of killing the one that I was friends with since 9th grade. He actually makes me so blood drunk. The fact that why I am mad at him is because he decided to actually take sides instead of staying out of a fight that was between two of his friends. Real friends don't take sides with other friends it just makes the problem much worse, and it makes you look like a complete asshole. If he actually knew how I felt about this he probably wouldn't even care. He would just use terms like faggot, K, Champ, or even K Champ in one word. The words of a complete child. A man child as I would put it. Someone who still lives like he is in high school. A cold blooded person who actually deserves to be hurt, who deserves to suffer, and who deserves to actually die. Maybe someone should run you over or shoot your fucking head off or even stab you in the fucking head repeatedly. I sure would love to but i'm no killer. I've always felt I could do it to him but I know in my heart i'm a loving, and caring person. I can relate to his ex girlfriend because we were hurt by the same person. That's why we are best friends. She knows my problems, and she knew what I was going through. I was being attacked on the internet, and it felt like she took my hand, and said "It's ok i'm here now, and he's gone away. You don't need him anymore. He's nothing but trash. I feel your pain." I'm proud to call her my bestie. I'm proud to say she's the one person I can relate to. If I ever need a shoulder to cry on. I know she's there for me, and I want to say thank you Ashley Alison Boone thank you for being there for me. You are truly my best friend.

Now I have said so much out of just this first blog I am about to post here, and I know there will be so much more. But you will all have to wait, and see what I have in store for all of you to read because I think you will find them to be very interesting indeed. To those who enjoyed reading this I'm glad you loved it, and to those who hate it. Get the fuck off my blog site you pricks. So long.....See ya.....and have youselfs a good night to all.